Love Series: Let Them Love You
Truly loving someone is hard but sometimes it is harder to let love in. I swear I am a mess, I find it easier to feel love and compassion for people in the street begging than letting close people around me love me. The worst part is you tend to hurt the people that are closest to you. You might not have this problem, but for those who struggle with this kind of love, I feel you.
Loving strangers or feeling for their pain/struggle was a gift from God that I received at a very young age. At the time I just thought I was crazy for feeling all emotional as I saw people begging on the street. Now I start to see where that little flame became a fire in me to want to find/create a way to help others with the things I was blessed with.
I was blessed with a giving father who was a business owner and helped people through it. I was blessed with a mother who always taught us that everyone deserved respect and love for the simple fact that we are all human. I had the opportunity to study and start a business that if that flame hadn't been there, I would have quit on my first fail. But then you have friends try to help me and show me love through service, and I cannot accept it sometimes. I don't think this was always the case, but I do feel sometimes we have things in life that make us build walls. These walls we assume will keep us "safe," but all they do is isolate us.
Oh, I had walls. Walls the size of the one Trump wants to put up at the border. Hahaha, sorry I had to. I hear wall, and I think of him who must not be named — Jk jk. I'm on a roll today. Moving on, I had massive walls, and I didn't know that I was keeping the closest people out. I had friends that I would really push away and never really allowed to show me, love.
I do have to admit that Ameer had it hard. I would love all of him but the moment he loved me back triggers well pulled and BAM! I would explode. He was challenging too many areas I had not dealt with, and the ugly sides of me came out. I kept waiting for things to go wrong when he loved me and when they didn't the anxiety would kill me so I would create a problem. I would then use these problems as excuses to keep the walls up. I would purposely create an issue because someone loving me felt too good to be true. What kind of F'ed up mentality was that?? That's where I started to see that I had a problem.
God asks us to love others, and I had that down, but we have to be aware that when we love, we pour ourselves into others. You can only pour out for so long before you go on empty. And that’s what happened to me. I was drained, but I was not letting others pour into me. I had no relationship with God at the time, so I wasn't letting him pour into me either... He was trying to love me even more than Ameer, and I was not having that from a being that I pictured in a thrown with millions of better people to love.
God sometimes uses people to pour into us the love so great he has for us. Looking back that was a dark time for me. I was so alone and so stubborn at the same time.
Many things affect how we let love in. There are these scars that start to get so thick they feel like walls. We start to feel like we won’t let anyone ever hurt us again, but we end up hurting ourselves.
Like I said earlier, I am a mess. I had daddy issues; I had trust issues, I have family issues, I had a full list of disappointments I allowed to dictate the way I filtered love in, but I’ve gotten better.
I won't lie to you and say there is a "One Size Fits ALL" way to fix this because there isn't. I had a problem, and I needed help. I sought help with a therapist. I started to see where the root of the problems were. See my issue was that I kept trying to fix things at the surface, and that was just like putting a bandaid on a bullet shot. The bullet is still inside causing paid.
Once I started to understand myself, my triggers and the real source of the problem I started to push myself to change. I won't say therapy fixed it all, but it did give me a logical explanation of where these issues stemmed from. When I started to work through these issues, I felt I could finally start letting people in, including God. I learned about grace and forgiveness not only for myself but for the issues I had. This is where the healing began. Don't get me wrong I feel like a recovering addict. I don't think I'll ever be 100% fixed and I still feel tugs at my heart when letting people in but I am getting poured into by God and by people that I have let in now. Life isn’t easier, some of my problems are still there but I am no longer running on empty. That’s more than I can say for my car which is a topic for another day. Hahahaha.
With Peace + A mended Heart,