The Paradox Of This Believer

Hi, I am Nimia, as my blog and my blog URL might have already let you know. Hahaha. I am a, and I struggle with believing in God. Christians are also sometimes called believers, which makes me a paradox.

I heard this word a while ago and got it, but didn't quite know exactly what it meant until this past weekend I listened to a message from Elevation Church. The message was called "The Paradox of Progress" and their Pastor, Steven Furtick, not only gave a fantastic message, but he helped me understand this word so much better.

Side note: this is in no way me telling you, you have to listen to them, I'm not getting paid to write a blog post about them. If I am honest, I didn't like how he preached for the longest because he screams and I can't stand when I feel like I am being yelled at. If you are just starting your walk with God or if you don't like preachers that get a little hype don't try him out yet.

Here is the dictionary definition of "PARADOX: a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true." That is me, I sound absurd and sometimes crazy to myself, but I am a believer, and I do not believe what God says to me, all at the time.

I was raised being "Christian," but I didn't get to believe in God until about two years ago honestly. I know, I am not sure where I was the other 25 years, but I can see now that I was in limbo, lost. Which is why if you do not believe in God I understand. I mean come on, I was raised in a Christian home and didn't believe it. Sometimes I still have to reel myself back in because I go off on the very edge of not understanding again. There are three main struggles I have with Believing in God, Jesus and all the stories you can find in the bible.

It's a little hard to share this because I do go to church and I serve at a church that has changed my life, but if anyone gets offended or tells me, they have never had doubts they lie and need more Jesus than I do.

1. Logical Minds Can't Grasp A Miracle

I am and have always been a very logical thinker, and it kills me not only when it comes to God, but my creativity is stumped sometimes by it too. I have specific ways things should work. In my head, it should be "2 + 2 = 4," and if it isn't, I can't wrap my brain around it. I spiral into this analytical state of trying to figure out why and get frustrated if I can't. But those moments where there is no hope, where there is no way out the only thing I want is a miracle; my logical mind goes out the window. Just like my logic can go out the window when I need a miracle, my reasoning needs to step aside for the miracle-working God that I pray to when my back is against a wall.

A logical mind leaves no room for the extraordinary things in life.

2. Hypocritical People are the Ones that Don't Belong

OMG... I cannot stress this one enough. I hated church because of people that made me feel like I was not "good enough" to believe in God. Let me set aside my "good" Christian alter ego and let you know that anyone that ever makes you feel like you're such a "sinner" That anything you have done has disqualified you from belonging or has ever made you feel less than anywhere but especially at church has a special place in HELL for them. JK JK. Too far. They are assholes. They are indeed the only ones that do not belong. God created church for everyone, but especially those who feel like they don't belong or that they are not perfect. Which leads me to my next point.

P.S. Not to say I don't run into these people anymore, but I know where they are going when they die. Lol. JK JK. Okay, I am done. If you ever want to try going to church but are scared to go alone, PLEASE, please, contact me. Email. Text (225-329-3372)<- Call. I promise I don't really send people to hell and I am probably more awkward than you so we should be good.

3. Imperfect is the NEW Perfect.

I wanted to blend in so bad when I was younger. I wanted to belong to a pack like I was part wolf or something. As time went by and I kept feeling like a loner, I realized I got a chance to know who I was and it was not influenced by anyone around me, because I had no one around me. I got to grow to my own weird. I didn't care about what anyone had to say about it because I knew being alone was much better than faking it with a million people. But then I looked to my faith, and I would feel like I didn't fit in. I had to be a certain way to be "Christ-Like" and I could never play the role.

When I read the bible from a none believing perspective, I always saw Jesus as a judgemental part-God-part-Human who came to show off how easy it was for him to be a perfect human. To me, Jesus was here to show us all how much we are failing at being Christians. But as I got to really see it all in depth and saw past what he was and looked more at what he did, I noticed he loved the imperfect. Liars always surrounded him, cheaters, prostitutes, tax collectors (at the time bad guys, now we got the IRS, still bad in our eyes but not as bad as back then), and anyone that was considered lowly. God showed me that my individuality would speak to others just like me. He let me live through struggles so that I could speak from the point of undertadning when I sympathize for people that are going through what I went through. I am me because my weirdness will talk to someone else's weirdness and makes us bond by how weird we are. You are you for a reason. Those things that look like imperfections are the ones that will make you stand out for what you're made for. Be you.

*Bonus: How I Talk Myself Out of Doubting God.

One story that really stuck to me in the bible was the parting of the Jordan River. I felt that if I saw that I could never deny God exists. I am a see it to believe it kind of girl. But it wasn't just the parting of the river that spoke to me but what God told them to do after that really was what caught me by surprise.

Rocks to Remind the People

4 After all the people had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, 2 “Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe. 3 Tell them to get twelve rocks from the middle of the river, from where the priests stood. Carry the rocks and put them down where you stay tonight.”

4 So Joshua chose one man from each tribe. Then he called the twelve men together 5 and said to them, “Go out into the river where the Ark of the Lord your God is. Each of you brings back one rock, one for each tribe of Israel, and carry it on your shoulder. 6 They will be a sign among you. In the future, your children will ask you, ‘What do these rocks mean?’ 7 Tell them the water stopped flowing in the Jordan when the Ark of the Agreement with the Lord crossed the river. These rocks will always remind the Israelites of this.”
— Joshua 4 (NCV)
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They left a reminder of what God had done because no matter how great what God does in your life is, we are human and we need reminders of God's faithfulness.

I was mind blown. If God asked them to do that why wouldn't I do the same to talk myself out of my doubt? Here I am with a brand new home, married, a business that is finally going to be selling Fair-trade products that will not only look good but empower women and none of these things were even remotely possible just eight months ago.

God had spoken that last year was my year of victories, and I did not believe him, and it just didn't add up. August rolled around, and I was giving up on God once again. But before I could sulk in my sadness and before the year ended all my biggest miracles came true. You see, only I would know how impossible all these things were. I did the math, over and over again. I know I went through all the possible outcomes and none of them could get me half of what God made possible for me. None of them, but God made it happened.

Now, these miracles stand tall over my Jordan River that was last year and every time my bank account gets so low I can almost cry, I look back at my Stones and remember that even when my logic says it's not possible, I have a miracle working God.

With Many Faults + Pinch of Faith,

- Nimia